Baby you can have whatever you like.

If the recent selection and media coverage of Sarah Palin isn't enough to make you completely lose faith in our society, he's a little nugget of joy from my life that will:

For some god forsaken reason, I stumbled onto an episode of Emeril Live on the Food Network the other day which probably was a mistake in itself (besides Doc Gibbs and the Emeril Live Band who I love). Anyway, he was doing some sort of bullshit show where people send in videos of themselves making their signature dish and then he invites them on the show and makes it again right in front of them.

So let me backtrack for a minute:

They make the dish on film, and send it in. He then SHOWS the film of them making the dish on his show, and then proceeds to make the exact same dish again in front of them, for them to taste. This is wrong on a series of god damn levels. First, after showing the video of them making it like they were on a cooking show, HE MAKES IT NOW LIKE HE'S ON A FUCKING COOKING SHOW RIGHT AFTER THEIR VIDEO OF THEM MAKING IT. They essentially get you to watch the exact same series of footage twice in a row just by two different people.

Then, he serves it to them, like they've never fucking tasted it before even though it's their god damn recipe! I'm sure they want this fuck taking credit for their recipe on national television. So after a few "Bams!" and "Turn it Up a Notch's" he serves them the food and they taste it and they always are like "mmmmmmmmm this is SOOOOO good" like they've never had it before in their god damn lives.

OF COURSE IT'S GOOD. THE MAN OWNS A TON OF RESTAURANTS. PLUS, HE JUST FOLLOWED YOUR EXACT INSTRUCTIONS!!!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

God, people are fucking stupid. Okay, back to the story.

So I'm watching a dumb bitch (Holly) from somewhere in the middle of America make a peach flambe cheesecake, which I'm going to be honest with you, looked pretty damn good. Then they cut to her and her husband sitting at Emeril's "kitchen" counter, and he proceeds to, YOU GUESSED IT, make the exact same recipe right in front of them, that keep in mind, we just saw her make on video six seconds ago.

So, as he's making it, he's adding all the ingredients and bullshit until he gets to the peaches, where he's gotta put them in some sort of liquid. So, he choose Peach Schnapps. He announces his intention with the typical stupid introduction like "Now it's time to break out the Schnapps."

And the most amazing thing happens.

People start cheering.

And I don't mean cheering like, Yay! We like Schnapps!

I mean cheering, going fucking ape-shit nuts, screaming and yelling, as if they just won 20 million in the lottery.

Let me rephrase.

Emeril says he's gonna add Peach Schnapps to a hot pan of peaches (which to anybody with a fucking SPONGE between their ears know the alcohol will cook off) and the audience, no joke, goes fuck-nuts about the whole thing.

This specific incident is not unique to this one episode. The truth is morons all over our country cheer for alcohol at all kinds of places. Sporting events, cooking shows, comedy shows, etc.

How fucking pointless and shallow is your life, when you decide to cheer for a beverage because you feel it represents you? A beverage. I don't go nuts when someone yells something about an Arnold Palmer (although I probably should).

When is our society going to grow up?

I have no problem with drinking, if you wanna drink Strawberry Wine until your dick falls off, be my guest. But, why do people feel the need to CHEER for ALCOHOL like it's a fucking extension of themselves? ALCOHOL! Are you kidding? There is a good chance we've going to elect an out of touch old man and a rifle shooting, power abusing moron to the white house in less than an month and you're cheering for PABST BLUE RIBBON? Are you kidding? Our economy is in the worst state since the depression, people can't even afford to eat and you're cheering about PEACH SCHNAPPS on a CHEESECAKE?


If you were one of the people in that audience, YOU, my fellow American, are a FUCKING MORON.


....god damn I need an Arnold Palmer.